It may not be childbirth but schizophrenics count too

It may not be childbirth but schizophrenics count for nothing too.

Hi, let’s talk about neuroleptics again, it’s a terrible disease, and I am still learning, but for now, if you are on them get off, if you have a smart, humane psychiatrist he will understand, and take you off them. If not, find another doc, simple as that. This is what men do who can’t make babies, rescue the psychotics that were invented by their embittered brothers who also can’t quite make babies.

Why I harp on Chlorpromazine, Triglupromazine, Mesorridazine, Thioridazine, Acetophenazine, Fluphenazine, HCI, Perphenazine, Prochlorperazine, Trifluoroperazine, Chlorprothixene, Thiothixine, Loxapine, Molindone, Clozapine, Risperidone, Olanzapine, Quetiapine and um, whatsitcalled, help me out reader, oh yeah, Haloperidol (Haldol) so much is due, frankly, to what it hath wrought, first used to subdue Russian dissidents, then wild animals, then Alzheimer’s patients, then, you with me, hope not, yeah what they might have done to me, astronomical rates of tardive dyskinesia, my friends, my enemies, and most unambiguously did do to my first fake husband, formerly most romantic, creative, compassionate, and powerful old-school scholar around, walking library, a billion boyish combats and ying-yang enthusiasms, never once said the wrong thing, the kind of guy you’d want with your kids the second they hear you died in a plane crash on September 11, yes, he would have known what to say, he would have intuited exactly who needed what and in what order, man of few words but unlimited gestures, sly, intimate, coffee and cigarette heartache triage, linearity, arrogance and humility all pointed at proper targets, silence, decency, eye-contact, puppy-dog charisma, irresistible rock-n-roll know-it-all, uh-oh, rock-n-roll, that wrecker, leads to recklessness, psychopharm could have ameliorated some of that excess, but who knew, huh, who fuckin knows anything until it’s too late? Is there a doctor in the house? If you were Jeff would you have taken your genius to a fuckin doctor for tweaking?

Friends get to watch friends go down, helpless, no, really, that’s just a feeling, his reasoning process got all fucked up, it happens, it’s not un-fixable, (psychotherapy), but they put him on these drugs and he could no longer reason at all, zombie, he lost himself, docility, passivity, first he decompensated, scared the living shit out of everyone, then comes anti-psychotics which turned him into a chord of wood, stackable, tractable, is everybody happy?

Who do you think he blamed for the loss of his former self? I don’t know, he stopped talking like this, but I imagine he blamed himself, crazy, must be crazy, all fucked up like this, must be my fault, defective, deviant, fucked up zombie throw-away mind.

Docs say, no choice, drugs necessary, schizophrenia will only eat up his brain. This argument sucks, trading one devil for another, meanwhile do the hallucinations disappear, why no, actually, they don’t, so what does disappear? And why?!

Fine, why don’t you scientists get busy in the laboratory while we demonstrate the pressing need for all the good work you do, pricks, meanwhile, leave us alone, fucked up or other, hands off my artificial husband’s deluded nightmare daytime, acknowledge the integrity of the fuckin organism, no matter how haywire, this is where we are, plebe, show some respect for the patient who says

NO!

Hear me: Fuck This, you got that? We don’t even know what a schizophrenic looks like; the drugs are what make people schizophrenic, shut-em-down, literally, take it from Darby Crash, sometimes I feel like I just been shut down, yo, the neuroleptics shut down the dopamine production, this is bad, remember, your own brain told us how important the frontal lobes are in creating the sense of self, the rock bottom genesis of all behavior, we’re not ready to go into all this yet, but we will, count on it, take it from Darby Crash, wait til I finish doing my homework, these medical texts suck, then I will put up a big bibliography on troublewaits in the right fonts and colors to point you to the answers, for now am just getting thru the dawning realization; they can’t treat people like this, there was a senate hearing in 1975, helpers telling the leaders how bad neuroleptics are, how routinely they’re used and the damage they cause, irreversible, called them cruel punishment, mental handcuffs, chemically imposed solitary confinement, these were the social workers, lawyers, mental health omitters, speakin for once on behalf of the sinners, we should have won this round, right, nope, too bad, fuckin loonies, they’re schizophrenic? Too scary for senators to touch, too scary for me too, ignore best friend’s phone messages, it can’t be as bad as he says, yes nurse he sure is hard to handle, james dean template, do your best, one day he’ll thank us, psychiatry must know what it’s doing after all, nothing is true, everything is permitted, I dropped out of high school and I’m terribly busy, NEXT!

Do I know what time it is?

Why yes, actually I do, it is never too late to retrace our steps, thanks.

trouble

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