let's pretend my body is jerking spasdomically, can't control my flopping limbs, helper strolls by emergency beds, convulsive, still seizing-

"carni carni carn can?! uh, can. i. have uh uh uh uh uh (punching myself in the head) a cancarni have uh a pleeshth of pa pa pa per paperplethe?"

what for?

"carn i. ca ca? can ca ta to. An i camblerft ta write the??? you know, the uh uh alph? al? al alphab alphbet? wuts wr. wrrrrr?(pointing at mouth) why? do you know? this ...wr? wr. on. on ... wrooooooooong. with thewayi'm talk? my ...shpeechth, inluth uh, luth, mouth, why why am uh uh huh uh ami talkinglikethis?"

oh god, that face. the look. the look on that face, the one helpers reserve for human waste.

there's nothing wrong with the way you're talking. i understand perfectly. you want a piece of paper, right? see, i heard you just fine.

look helplessly around the room, body jerking in spasms, put face in hands sob hysterically.

purse is on hospital bed but hands flailing can't get my hands into purse, ok go back to sleep.

 

wake up 2 hours later, procure piece of paper, dig thru purse, pen in hand, i am good soldier here comes the alphabet, whoops, hand limp, pen is mercury, slipping thru fingers, cry cry cry cry.

social worker comes all i can say is

"wha wha wah happenedddddddd?!! woa wha goin is goin on withme with withme? ask me? what? who pleeesh... is presi.

DENT, numb. Numb. Numbbber. Ers. Math? Numbers, anyshthanyshthing. what is cogshin (yelling) my cogshishon see? ith fucked up shee? shpeeech, what ish thisth?!?"

bitch bitch lottie bitch bitch bitch and when you're ready to cooperate perhaps i'll come back.

 

cry cry cry try to climb out of hospital bed sure i am trash putrid, shoeless, my hair stringy braless in slip and legs are unshaven, EMS tried to dress me but was too floppy and falling down, K-Mart slip, no shoes, no make-up, trash, detritus, emergency room crackers. Sleep, please god let me go out like this, the poem on computer will explain everything, let me go running into arms of Dostoyevsky in hell, poem's on computer, I am in pantheon, I can argue in hell with Tolstoy, i earned it, i did it, blowing your mind is a right not a privilege, i'm done now, this is my story, and it will be written, wonder how many snotrags before me laid in this same bed with same last snore?

 

wake up half hour later, goddamn alphabet if it's the last fucking thing i do, writing it over and over all jumbled up, crying but coordinated over and over, sitting up in bed writing all goddamn alphabet numbers one thru q. Shit. Start over with social worker, this is the first time i say doctor, can we call my doctor?

No. It's Sunday, he's off today.

"You are a liar. Liar! Look looklookokwaitsh, lookit me pleath and tellme why you are lying? I have my doctors home number, i have his how the fuck would you know his avbabaility to me you have no never fukcing laid on eyes on me febore to. day."

Do you want orange juice to go with your crackers? We have cranberry and orange and oh look we have a simulated nutrition bar to eat with your applejuice, they don't come cheap but the artificial flavoring sure goes a long way. Behave and sleep now.

 

Wake up at 7pm. Boy almost back, is there a neurologist in the house? Neurologist, it's hard word but i said it, please, remember, i was all gong when we started now i can say neurologist, mk? ok?

helper, name is carol:

who is president? what year is this? what is your name? what day is this? when were you born? where are you and how did you get here?

"why are you treating me like headcase, ok that's one diagnoshisth but not thoday's. ok, broaden your range of referencecs, my cognition is shit, yours is all we got, get flexshible in there, i am having a stroke, heart attack, something, shomething not mental, please don't put me in psych patient dumpster."

No one says psych patient anymore, we don't use that word psych patient here. The word is ATM now. You have extreme case of ATM.

My banker will be glad to hear it, can I go out like this god, is this a movie? You said when all done I can go out like a movie you promised.

 

Well friends, thanks for reading, i bet it was weird, but is also getting weird to keep writing and i need to WORK THE LIST EVERYONE LET'S DO THE LIST, here's my second chance, turn 100 percent squaresville faster than a speeding bullet, otherwise just keep hands shaking, keep migraine aura, nausea, boredom, lotties, bad spellin, (thank god for spellcheck, but it's getting um, excessive, ha ha ) blah blah, am doing much better, it's been 4 whole days and everything is back, i am back in black, and do want to tell you about the ensuing neurologist and crackers and needles, the know-nothing boy nurse who looked like Jimmie Dale Gilmore, sans the compassion, all the beautiful new bruises that as i type this adorn my body, and, of course the whole don't-make-us-take-out-the-handcuffs routine. Has anyone seen Dr. Fuckhead? Stern-arrogant-drop-dead-good-lookin-abrupt-Board-Certified-Megalomaniac-Forensic-Sharksin-Chulo-Ersatz-asshole-Cyborg-Chemist, unable to hide all the love in deep dark sorrowful coffee-cup eyes? If you're reading this you are now in my dumpster, I know what you did to me mister, first you gave me everything you had, and then you looked around for more, but uh-oh, ya ran out, ran out the door, runnin out on me, that's a number one paddlin. I love you but am not one of your specialties, chances look good I'll not see you in court.

 

more, soon

trouble

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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