been unflaggingly productive since second chance sunday night, cleaning the houses of clients who stick with me probably because we don't talk too much.

so yesterday i'm cleaning the big house of my favorite rich man and i'm alone in there with mops, brooms, buckets, chemicals, JVC portable, bottled water (my new best friend), and 32 bob dylan CDs and i have to keep taking breaks to go outside and sit on the back steps, shove a lit KOOL in corner of mouth, drop head in hands, cry cry cry and feel the love.

cannot believe how green this city is, how clean and good it smells. treeworld, greenery, unmitigated fresh air.

look up at the sky. you still here? why? after everything i've done that lucky old suns takes it upon itself to go all shining on my back door one of these days, the lyricist was being ironic, christ, get with the program.

here comes a deer, oh god i can't stand it, graceful, lanky, uncertain bashful adolescent teenage boy deer, like the one i split in two in '87 while driving in the accidental dark cincinnati predawn hours, i remember you, still have the hairs i collected from the shattered windshield in my sorry i killed you jewel encrusted deer-casualty lucite lockbox which i took to the psychic and we cried in all apologies, yep, i haven't forgot, have you come to remind me i better not?

no. deer steppin closer, searching eyes, no fear. what, you wanna cigarette, money, food, water, what?

nope, just wanna remind you the sky's for you too.

is she up there? look up, yo? you up there?

do you still get to see and share in things, wherever you're hiding?

i'm sorry i said you were nothing, sorry i agreed with Lottie emails who said you were nothing to me but words on paper, sorry for shaking my fist at heavens and all the SWEAR WORDS SWEAR WORDS SORRY FUCKIN SWEAR WORDS.

i have a brand new way to disagree with you now. and i do disagree, today more than ever, but it is soft spot, and will endure this time.

mind if i ask you a question? answer me thru eyes of deer, please? i want the deer to tell me you are all alone right now, you haven't seen lili in ages, this is not gonna turn into some new fuckin club, ok?

i know they must let you see things and learn, otherwise what is point of afterlife? god knows you're still around, kid, hundreds of people would back me up on that score.

'cause you oughta see this, this is the shit little sister, one moment like this can wipe out a six day rampage, didn't no one never give you no goddamn fuckin cleansing process, how are you supposed to wipe the slate clean and start all over without cleansing process, i am a housekeeper for gods sake i know how it's done, jesus fuckin christ here come the swear words to pollute the environment, not right now please, we are having sacred moment here.

you oughta see this, sunshine, leafy trees, bucolic setting, slender deer 2 feet away lockin eyes, communing best way possible with lousy human being, big sky holding vigilance over all of it, and what's her name up there, junkyard angel, she belongs to me, hope they're letting you see up there, look down now and then and take in all that you are missing, and all that's missing you.

 

love,

anonymous, ha ha

 

 

 

 

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